As I was on a trip that I’m making to a small town near my own small town, to get to know the surroundings but also to get away from something (or someone) I don’t want to deal with, a lightning strike (literally) shattered a tree next to my bus window. It’s something for the first time that I realised how easy it is to die (and to be okay with it).
Something has changed within me and the people are noticing it (quite reluctantly) that I value them much less than I used to. This, on the surface, might sound like a “self-respect” to the degree where “I only want to focus on myself and not on others” but the reality is far different.
As I watched the tree burn in an instant flame that hit it, I realised how mere mortal my existence is. “What if it was just 5 metres left and hit my bus?” I thought. Conspiracy that I couldn’t get out of my head, I wish I wasn’t alive. But that has a deeper meaning as well.
I was travelling away from a place or people I don’t like. Choosing my own existence over the existence handed down to me. Though I would regret to say that my own existence is bounded by those who are not willing to let me be me. The philosophical argument becomes “who am I?” But I’m no philosopher nor do I like philosophy. So my argument shifts to another question, why the fuck should my existence matter? And why am I away from that lightning strike and not on it?
By letting myself not be dead, am I doing myself a favour? To let my body live (and suffer) am I respecting the existence or just my own existence?
Getting complicated? Let’s take a step back and let me bluntly put the whole thing in a non bs manner, should I respect myself for not dying?
The answer, without any hesitation, is yes. The existence of me is much more respectful than the existence of any tree that got struck with lightning and even more important than the insects of the birds living on that tree. I am a selfish human who couldn’t understand till now that my existence without a doubt is selfish and I should shamelessly value myself over those who surround me.
If I’m being honest, the bus which left the town I was not fond of did reach the destination which I was sure would treat me better. So I already had some instinct to act on my inner selfishness to get more respect. But did I understand it correctly? My reason for leaving the town wasn’t to reach somewhere else, it was to leave the town. The reason I wasn’t struck by the lightning was simple sheer luck (you may call it will of god) but I would also add that my existence has a meaning and that’s why I never died. I, live. I continue living. Respect should come for the act of not dying.