You actually love multiple people without even realising it…

I’m fascinated by dating culture, love, relationships, and all the complicated things young people seem to do to each other (lol). Probably because, as a mildly older single guy, it’s exactly what I need but don’t have. Yet there’s one thing I just can’t wrap my head around. On one hand, it feels morally questionable, and on the other, it seems “neuroscientifically” valid. The idea of being in love with multiple people at the same time…

I’m not even talking specifically about polyamory…that’s a bit too niche for this conversation. I’m talking about those everyday love stories we rarely question, the ones that seem totally “normal” until you start pulling at the threads and realize how tangled they really are. I mean situations like a girl getting married (say, in an arranged setup) to someone she’s only known for a few months, while rejecting the guy she once loved more than anyone else. And not because he wasn’t good enough, but because societal norms, wealth, caste, religion, or some other external factor ended up making the choice “for” her… This is just one example—it can just as easily happen in a non-arranged setup to a guy as well.

Where does that original love go? Can you just forget it, like flipping a switch? What really happens? Do you just bang your head against the wall and try to forget?

I don’t think so. Basically, you just can’t. That love still exists, though its intensity fades over time. Meanwhile, a new intensity builds for the person you’re marrying. And this is where it all stops making sense to a logically moral mind. How can you be “cheating” on your spouse subconsciously? You’re in love with them now, but at some level, still in love with your ex. How does the brain even allow that contradiction to coexist? (Softmax!)

It’s no secret that humans aren’t biologically wired for monogamy. Monogamy works because it provides structure to society, not because it’s our natural state. If it were, we wouldn’t crave conversation, connection, and validation from people outside our relationships. Yet everyone I know has, at some point, fallen in love with someone they’ll never completely forget. Once you’ve loved someone, they leave an imprint. The brain is clearly capable of loving multiple people simultaneously, even if not with the same intensity.

And sure, you’re not technically “cheating” just because an old love pops into your head occasionally. But morality isn’t static—it’s a fluid spectrum of cultural norms and personal values. So while you might feel absolved by a moral technicality, are you really innocent? We’re not “virgins” to be holy!

This whole paradox—between what we consider morally right and what neuroscience suggests about our nature—is just so damn fascinating to me. It’s a collision of societal constructs and pure, raw biology. The world isn’t going to stay the same forever. One day, people might stop and question what morality even means in the context of love and relationships. Maybe then we’ll start to understand it better… beyond conformity, beyond the pressure to force everything neatly into the framework of monogamy.

The truth is, you actually love multiple people without even realizing it.

P.S. I can’t handle poly relationships myself, mainly because of my upbringing and conservative household (I suspect). But I’m still so damn fascinated by it. Relationships is the topic I would like to decipher, scientifically…as I don’t have enough emotional bandwidth. But that’s for another day!

Thanks for reading! 🙂