Women I Love(d)

As I’m writing this down, there’s a certain sadness on one side and a relief on the other. It’s not just about recounting how my last few days went; it’s more about capturing a feeling that needs to be expressed properly, lest it gets lost in the noise of the world. This feeling is delicate, something a heartless, empty soul can’t fully grasp. But then again, who told you to read it?

Love is a feeling that has been explored by great authors and demystified by countless poets. Yet, for some reason, people still write about it, many enjoy reading about it, and some even prefer watching it, I always wonder why(?). There’s something about that feeling that resonates deeply. I could go on about how love is merely a chemical reaction, how the attraction you feel…from her smile to her voice, from her eyes to her warmth…is just a series of chemical reactions in your brain. But I don’t want to tread down that path. As much as I enjoy discussing (neuro)science, technicalities can sometimes make those tender feelings seem rough and uninviting. (I’m guilty)

So, let’s agree that love isn’t just a chemical reaction (to appease the philosophers and poets). It’s more than that. The women I loved had more than just charm and warmth; they had a unique presence.

First of all, looks do matter. That’s the first thing you notice in a girl…her face! And then, obviously, her body. But this is mostly relevant if you’re just looking for a casual fling or some fun. Men who truly love their women don’t focus solely on the physical appearance. It’s still physical, but it’s more about the way she moves…her elegance, clarity, occasional clumsiness, the expressiveness of her eyes, and certainly her hair and hands (trust me, I’ve done fuck ton of research on this). If a man is only attracted to the external appearance and not the way she carries herself, then that’s not love, for sure. 

From what I understand, boys can be quite naive when they fall in love. Beyond these feelings, they seem oblivious to everything else, not even considering another woman. That’s the end point of love for them in most cases. In a way, they are “cute” in a somewhat naive manner. Women in love notice this and often fall for it. I was naive too, because I am a boy too. 

But again, the title is about “Women I Love(d)” not just one woman. It may seem like I’m trying to emphasize that I’ve loved more than one woman and perhaps even boast about it. Because, let’s face it, boys do take pride in silly things. But there are two more components to that title: “I” and “love(d).” The “I” part is straightforward. The women I loved are loved from my own perspective, within my own mind. I don’t need anyone’s permission to love them or not. So, that “I” is entirely me. I am the ruler of that feeling, and no one else can control it. 

Yet the third part, “love(d)” is complex. You can’t just wake up one day and discard that love entirely, can you? Sure, it might diminish, but it never completely disappears. People may fall in love with someone else after parting ways, but I don’t believe they ever forget their former love entirely. It’s like Schrödinger’s cat experiment…you are in love with them and not in love with them at the same time. So, “love” never fully becomes “loved” and “loved” never fully becomes “love”.

As I said at the beginning, there’s a sadness in considering it a “loved” feeling, but there’s also a relief that I still carry a part of that “love” inside me, within my “I,” and with those “women” I’ve been with. It’s a strange feeling, one that only I can fully experience. But as I write this, I think everyone feels that strangeness when they fall for someone. The only reason we keep writing, reading, and watching stories about love is because we still haven’t figured out how to fully express it. I failed at that too. But you are still reading this sentence so you failed with me. 

Inspired by Haruki Murakami…(obviously)

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