Self blame: How to Always See The Glass Half Full?

Let me share a simple analogy: think of your body as a bucket for energy. We absorb energy from our surroundings and fill our bucket. When it overflows, we share that energy with the world. This applies to our happiness, knowledge, and life purpose. Everything we do holds meaning, keeping us alive. However, the world isn’t always a source of positive energy. While filling our bucket, we might encounter negative energy that upsets the balance, spoiling the good within. When our bucket is full, we may unintentionally spread this negativity. We lack the ability to distinguish good from bad energy sources. So, when things go wrong, should we self blame for choosing the wrong energy?

Self Blame and Trauma

A friend of mine, let’s call him Rajesh, comes from an Indian family. Recently, he opened up about the mental challenges he’s facing. Despite being intelligent and hardworking, he feels a deep void in his life. During our philosophical conversation, he revealed a lot about his struggles.

Rajesh was grappling with depression and intense guilt. His father, a laid-back yet health-troubled man, couldn’t provide the fatherly care he needed. His mother, a homemaker with psychological issues, struggled to understand her exceptionally gifted son. Now in their late fifties, Rajesh’s parents are on the brink of divorce, but those details aren’t crucial here. His depression stemmed from the failure of the family business and his contribution in it.

In the eyes of Indian society, their family would be considered as upper-middle class. However, they aren’t wealthy enough for Rajesh to live without working. Amidst all this, he began blaming himself for his parents’ divorce, seeing his business failure as the cause of their tension. He blamed himself for his father’s health, regretting not focusing on him in his younger years. He even blamed himself for his mother’s mental state, realizing he never truly understood her and never encouraged her to seek therapy. Adding to these burdens, Rajesh is a homosexual in a society where this adds another layer to feeling “not good enough.”

As I listened to his life story and struggles, it became clear to me, as an outsider, that the challenges he faced were not a result of his actions but were deeply rooted in his environment. A difficult childhood, lack of family support, and being gay in a conservative society, coupled with a high IQ and learning disabilities, create a formidable set of obstacles. It’s challenging to build a stable life with those circumstances.

To overcome his misery, he needs to shift away from self-blame and see his situation from an external perspective, much like yours or mine.

Causes of Self-Blame

Many of us experience the self-blaming game at least once in life. Research indicates that 9-10% of the people we interact with are dealing with severe mental depression, and among them, 85-90% engage in self-criticism or self-blame for the challenges they face. These statistics are even higher in countries like India.

The roots of self-blame are diverse and often stem from the circumstances we find ourselves in. Achieving a truly healthy mindset is crucial to avoiding self-blame, but many of us struggle due to our life situations.

Cognitive Distortions and Helplessness

For those with struggling parents, learning effective self-coping mechanisms can be challenging. Growing up witnessing parental struggles may lead to an early sense of helplessness. Some individuals blame themselves for not meeting societal standards of attractiveness, wealth, or success, fueled by a mindset of constant comparison. This comparison mindset, often prevalent among the younger generation, can escalate into severe depression in adulthood, particularly when faced with failures in exams, interviews, or social situations.

Perfectionism is a cause of Self-blame

Perfectionism is another significant contributor to self-blame. The belief that whatever one creates, achieves, or possesses is not good enough can be a result of setting unrealistic expectations. This perfectionistic mindset can lead to a cycle of repeated failures, causing depression and self-criticism.

Societal and Cultural influences in self-blame

Being socially different, especially in societies like India that are yet to fully accept diverse sexualities, can trigger self-blame and depression among LGBTQIA+ individuals. Similarly, people with disabilities may struggle with mental health issues due to difficulties fitting into societal norms. Marginalized communities in developing or underdeveloped nations may face discrimination based on religion, caste, or gender, leading to significant mental suffering.

All these factors contribute to a pervasive feeling of “not good enough,” accompanied by regret, depression, and loneliness. Recognizing these sources of self-blame is a crucial step toward fostering understanding and empathy in both ourselves and others.

Focusing more on negative feedback than positives

Getting feedback from the surroundings is one of the major part of consciousness. People who suffer from self-criticism focus a lot more on negative feedbacks than the positives.

How to avoid Self-Blame?

Therapy

If someone is suffering at a sever stage with self-blaming and depression, they can always use therapy. Those who are privileged enough, should always consider CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

It’s a common tendency to ruminate on our mistakes and engage in self-blame. When we’re aware of our shortcomings, it seems natural and logical to hold ourselves responsible. However, our brains are limited to our own perspective, unable to see the complete picture of a situation. We’re confined to our own thoughts and experiences, making it impossible to fully grasp the contributions of others to the situation. In essence, we can only be inside our own heads and may miss understanding the external factors or others’ involvement in the perceived “fuck-up.”

Look from external perspective

Thinking about a situation from an outsider’s perspective can be mentally tough. But with practice, you can get the hang of it. Take a moment, imagine you’re in a different place. Step out of the situation and replay it like a tape. Ask yourself if things would have been different without you there. Consider how others influenced your decisions and your mental state. Check if they played a part in the fuck-up. Was their contribution to the mess absolutely zero? I am 99.99% sure the answer would be No!

Mindfulness: being more aware

Mindfulness, being fully aware of yourself and your surroundings, is a great way to tackle self-blame and depression. Scientifically proven in both neurology and psychology, those who practice self-awareness tend to handle these challenges better than the rest of us. Techniques like meditation might seem tricky initially, but with practice, they can bring real benefits. I have written my views on this in my “My Plan to Find a Happy Life” blog.

The key is to be more aware of our thoughts and how we react to them. When caught in self-blame, taking a step back to view it analytically instead of just emotionally can help. Recognizing patterns in our thinking becomes easier with this approach. Once we identify these patterns, managing them becomes more achievable, reducing a whole bunch of mental misery.

The Coping Mechanism and Self-Blame

My friend Rajesh, in many ways, reflects the shared human experience rather than standing out as an exception. Like each of us, he grapples with the challenges that life throws our way, and it’s a common tendency to internalize the belief that we are the sole architects of our circumstances. It’s a narrative we all weave! Each of us has aspects that society might not fully accept or understand. Unfortunately, the world tends to be unfair to those who are different.

When people are a bit different and don’t fit into what society expects, they can face a lot of blame. This judgment from society can make them feel like they’re carrying a heavy load, leading to self-hate. So, my friend’s experience is not just his own; it shows a bigger picture where being unique is often misunderstood, and people unfairly get blamed. If we all recognize and understand this together, we can work towards a world that is kinder, accepting, and celebrates our differences, instead of making people feel bad about themselves.

It’s not you, it’s them!

From childhood to adult life, self-blame seldom originates from within; it is always a consequence of surrounding misery. I just want to say that the negative energy in your bucket is not because of you; it’s because someone else gave it to you.

Highly Recommended Books/Resources:

Book : Feeling GooD: The New Mood Therapy