Five Levels of Perfectionism, From Pressure to Purpose

Perfectionism, as explored in Dabrowski’s studies, unfolds across five levels, each representing a progressive journey towards self-realization. Although his studies were conducted with gifted children, I think this will be helpful for everyone who is obsessed with being “better.” These levels are not rigid stages but reflect different orientations of perfectionist tendencies. Let’s walk through them and see if any resonate with you:

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Why am I writing this?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to understand the tangled web of my own perfectionism, the way it pulls me in different directions, sometimes paralyzing, sometimes propelling me forward. But this isn’t just about me. Maybe you’ve felt that same pressure: the constant need to do better, be better, prove yourself or make yourself worthy! Maybe you’ve wondered why good enough never feels quite enough.

I’m writing this to reflect on my journey and offer a framework that might help you make sense of your own experiences. Perfectionism isn’t all bad, it’s what we do with it that matters. Let’s figure this out together.

Level 1: “I’m Perfect, But You’re Not.”

At this level, perfectionism is other-oriented. It’s about holding others to impossibly high standards and feeling frustrated when they don’t measure up. People at this stage might constantly judge the actions, appearance, or capabilities of those around them, believing that their way is the “right” way.

For instance, imagine being in a group project and finding yourself irritated because your teammates didn’t format a document exactly as you envisioned. Or getting upset when a friend doesn’t meet your expectations for punctuality or effort, even if the end result is perfectly fine. Or your wife made a good lasagna but you are upset because the taste is slightly off. This kind of perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things to be done well; it’s about wanting others to meet your personal definition of perfection so that you feel validated.

This level of perfectionism often leads to strained relationships. Others might feel they can’t meet your expectations, which creates tension or distance. But the truth is, not everyone sees the world through the same lens of “perfect.” Many people prioritize enjoying the process or finding balance over strict adherence to high standards, and that’s okay, but that’s the exact thing we need to learn at this stage.

The key here is recognizing when your expectations for others are driven by your own insecurities or desire for external validation. Once you start letting go of the need to control how others act, you’ll find more peace in your interactions.

Level 2: “I’m Not Good Enough. I’ll Never Be Good Enough.”

This level focuses inward and is driven by self-doubt and fear of failure. It’s the voice in your head that says, “What if I’m not good enough? What if everyone realizes I’m a fraud?” This stage often leads to procrastination, not because you’re lazy but because you’re so afraid of getting it wrong that you’d rather not start at all.

For example, I’ve spent hours revising this blog, worried about whether it sounded professional enough or will it sound AI generated, wasting all my efforts(?). Even after hitting publish, I’d second-guess myself, replaying it in my mind and worrying about how it was received, if I have explained the concepts clearly without adding too much BS to the conversation. Yet I would be sure of missing out some spelling/grammatical mistakes.

This level often overlaps with impostor syndrome. You might achieve something objectively impressive, like landing a great job or finishing a major project, but still feel like it’s not enough or that you don’t deserve the credit. You start thinking, “They’ll figure out I’m not as good as they think I am.”

Another common sign of this level is perfection paralysis, procrastination, where you feel so overwhelmed by the need to do something perfectly that you avoid starting altogether. For instance, you might dream of launching a blog but never begin because you’re stuck on creating the “perfect” first post.

The key to moving past this stage is to separate your self-worth from your achievement/ failures. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of the process, not reflections of your value. Maybe a failed recipe will teach you what not to do, or a stumble in a presentation will make you a better speaker over time. These experiences don’t diminish you; they help you grow! I strongly feel that I am at this level, so from level 3 whatever I am going to tell you is slightly out of my bounds, but that’s the exploration we need to make.

Level 3: “I See Who I Want to Be, But I See No Way of Getting There From Here.”

Level 3 is where perfectionism begins to shift from being fear-based to being growth-driven. It’s about seeing the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and feeling both inspired and overwhelmed by it. Unlike Level 2, where self-doubt can paralyze you, Level 3 introduces a new kind of frustration: the tension between your current self and your ideal self.

For example, imagine you’ve always wanted to become fluent in another language. You can envision yourself confidently conversing with native speakers, but when you sit down to study, the journey ahead feels endless. You may think, “How will I ever reach that level?” This frustration can feel daunting, but it’s also the driving force behind personal growth.

The significance of Level 3 lies in its transformative potential. This is the point where you start to internalize your values and strive for them not because you’re afraid of failure but because you truly believe in what you’re working towards. It’s the stage where you realize that perfection isn’t about being flawless but about continually striving to be better, for yourself, not for others.

In my own life, I remember wanting to become a better writer. I could see the kind of writer I wanted to be, confident, engaging, and articulate, but every time I wrote, I felt light-years away from that vision. At first, it was discouraging, but over time, I realized that each attempt, no matter how imperfect, was bringing me closer to that goal. I know what “I” would consider as the best, but now I am slightly worried about how to get there. This is anxiety which can only be solved by me working on my craft, worrying about it won’t make me a good writer.

Navigating Level 3 means learning to embrace the process. It’s about recognizing that growth takes time and that every step, no matter how small, matters. Yes, the gap between “here” and “there” might seem huge, but the only way to bridge it is by starting, and continuing, to move forward.

The key to succeeding at Level 3 is persistence. It’s about showing up, even when progress feels slow or invisible. It’s about trusting the process and believing that the effort you’re putting in will pay off, because it will.

Level 4: “What Ought to Be Will Be, and I Will Make It So.”

At this level, perfectionism evolves into a more balanced and harmonious form. It’s no longer about relentless striving or meeting impossible standards. Instead, it’s about living by your ideals while accepting the imperfections in yourself and others. This stage represents a significant turning point where perfectionism shifts from being a source of stress to becoming a tool for meaningful growth.

For example, imagine working on a project and realizing that while it’s not perfect, it reflects your best effort and aligns with your values. At this level, you find satisfaction not in achieving flawlessness but in knowing you’ve done your best with the resources and knowledge you had at the time. You also begin to appreciate the beauty of imperfection and the lessons it brings.

Compassion becomes a key trait at this stage, both for yourself and for others. You might find it easier to forgive mistakes, recognizing them as part of the human experience. For instance, when a colleague makes an error, instead of being critical, you focus on how the mistake can lead to improvement. Similarly, when you fall short, you reflect on the experience with kindness rather than self-judgment.

This level also brings a greater sense of self-regulation. You start to prioritize what truly matters, letting go of the need to control every detail. This doesn’t mean you stop caring or striving, it means you learn to focus your energy on what aligns with your values and goals, rather than wasting it on perfection for perfection’s sake.

Level 4 is significant because it lays the foundation for inner peace. It allows you to pursue excellence without being consumed by it, fostering a healthier relationship with yourself and those around you. At this stage, you begin to experience the freedom of accepting that not everything has to be perfect to be valuable or meaningful.

Level 5: “All is Love”

This is the pinnacle of perfectionism, where all inner conflict and striving dissolve. At Level 5, you’re no longer driven by fear, anxiety, or the need for external validation. Instead, your actions are guided by your core values, and you operate in harmony with your true self. This stage represents a complete integration of your ideals into your life.

Flow is about being fully present in what you do. Imagine working on something you’re deeply passionate about, whether it’s writing, painting, coding, or teaching, and losing track of time because you’re so immersed in the process. At this level, perfectionism transforms into a seamless pursuit of excellence, not for approval but as an expression of who you are.

For instance, think of an athlete who competes not to prove their worth but because they genuinely love the sport. They’re fully in the moment, pushing their limits, and enjoying the journey. Or consider a musician who performs with complete authenticity, pouring their heart into their craft without worrying about minor flaws.

At Level 5, the focus shifts from the outcome to the experience itself. You find joy and fulfillment in the act of creating, working, or contributing. Mistakes and imperfections become part of the process, enriching rather than detracting from your efforts.

The significance of Level 5 lies in its transformative nature. It’s the stage where you achieve true freedom from perfectionism’s negative grip. You embrace life’s imperfections while consistently striving to bring your best self to everything you do. This level isn’t about lowering standards, it’s about aligning your standards with your purpose and values.

Reaching this stage requires deep self-awareness, resilience, and a willingness to let go of control. It’s not about achieving a perfect life but about living authentically and fully, inspiring others by example. Flow is the ultimate harmony between striving for growth and being at peace with where you are.

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Strategies to use your Perfectionism for the your growth

• Appreciate the Trait: Recognize that perfectionism can be a strength when used wisely.
• Reframe Mistakes: Think of mistakes as stepping stones to growth.
• Set Priorities: Focus on what truly matters instead of trying to be perfect at everything.
• Start Small: Begin projects without worrying about the outcome. Progress will follow.
• Balance Expectations: Maintain high standards but give yourself permission to fall short sometimes. Perfection isn’t always necessary for success.
• Stop Comparing: Remind yourself that your journey is unique. For instance, you don’t need to compare your path to someone who went to ivy league school or won a Nobel prize. Their achievements were shaped by their circumstances, just as yours are by yours.
• Lower Expectations Temporarily: Sometimes, it’s okay to take a step back and focus on smaller, achievable goals. If you feel overwhelmed, remember that it’s better to move forward slowly than not at all.
• Embrace the Long Path: Growth takes time. Think of it like building a mansion instead of a shack, slow, deliberate progress leads to something more substantial and meaningful in the long run. Although building a mansion is a great idea, it will take a lot more time and resources than building a shack out of fewer resources. Gathering resources, arranging them, laying out the foundation and then building the actual mansion takes a lot of time. Play the long-term game and have patience.

Conclusion

Perfectionism can feel overwhelming at times, but it doesn’t have to control you. Understanding its levels and how it manifests in your life is a powerful first step toward working with it, rather than against it. Each level of perfectionism presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Whether you’re struggling with self-doubt, feeling stuck, or striving to align your actions with your values, remember that progress, not perfection, is the goal. By embracing imperfection and focusing on what truly matters, you can turn perfectionism into a tool for self-discovery and fulfillment.

You’re not alone in this journey, and I hope these reflections help you feel less isolated in your struggles. Growth takes time, persistence, and a lot of self-compassion. It’s not worth if you are being too hard on yourself…take just one step at a time, to be a better for yourself and for others!.

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Thanks for reading!